They, whoever the fuck "They" may happen to be, claim that a good deed only makes the cut off and is considered "legit" if it's done unnoticed. If you give to someone but don't let them know that you were the mysterious giver. The personification of altruism.
You've seen them shuffling their feet and grinding their teeth and smoking cigarette after cigarette and slurping down that sweet and hot ol jamaica queens coffee. good time of the month. welfare benefits arrived.. cash assistance and foot stamps on the ebt card which is as good as a debit card if you know the right individuals and locations. For a couple days they are as a generous and selfless as the new testament claims jesus fucking christ was. they were able to re-fill their bottle of xanax. they get 60 1 mg pills (the "sticks" that everyone talks about when referring to xanax are 2 mg and are named for shape. the most a doctor may legally prescribe to someone in NY state is is 3 of the 2 Mg. pills a day and that's if you're dying of cancer or have a crooked doctor. They are notoriously addictive and the withdrawal has the potential to be fatal.
along with alcohol, it is the only drug where you can actually DIE from it. yes, i reiterate, you can die from the withdrawal after having seizures.) The Xanax bottle should last them a month but they always finish it in a few days. (it's so easy to rationalize getting high when it's what you want to do) They can spread it out for maybe a week and change if they are as frugal and exercise herculean self control. They're taking hand fulls and chewing em up and laughing and bullshitting, and running up to everyone on the block, offering them cigarettes because they know the other 2/3 of the month they won't have two pennys to rub together and hope they can ask those they gave one cigarette to over that week for one every time they run into them for the rest of that month dribbling that same tired fucking bullshit outta their chipped tooth, chapped lip bastard drawl, "you KNOW when i got it, you got it. I'd never leave a man hungry. never leave someone hurtin for a cigarette with their coffee in the morning if i had.".. lays it on heavy. he knows what he's doing.
I despise when people do a favor just so they can keep that card in their back pocket (redeemable anytime, day or night). A chance to ask and guilt the other party. It's an extremely manipulative tactic and never believe them if they feign ignorance to their actions. They know what they're doing. I know, I've done it myself.
I catch myself slipping. I wonder at sporadic moments, perhaps when I'm walking through a "park"... those little squares with one tree with a few benches they scatter the cities boroughs with like a type of vegetative rash , especially where I'm currently staying in Queens. These parks have their usuals, as does any bar from the highest to the filthiest and other gatherings of sorts..A few Spanish day laborers continuously drink all day and night by the bench. Coronas on payday, Steel Reserve 40s or brown bagged hip wine every other day. they don't stop drinking. in the summer it's sweltering and i don't know if they eat or drink water, i suppose so because they don't die. they see the flowers the city planted die and then feel the autumn breeze run down their lower back like the whispers of the dead. they see the snow blanket the benches. when the snow melts, they are resting in the gutter, drinking a warm beer for breakfast and reading a few days old news paper they found beside them when they woke up.
they see me pass on my way to the methadone clinic or if i have a take home bottle that day they see me on my way to the library. it's usually around a quarter to one. I get up at noon usually. Well that's when I rise up out of bed. I wake up countless times throughout the night, morning and just lay in bed until the urge to piss becomes uncontrollable.. if there's a bottle or bowl or cup at hand i piss into that until its almost about to overflow, throw the piss out the window, repeat process until desired results (no more painful feeling in bladders and i can sleep away more of my life). i don't move. i think my girlfriend does the same thing. two people laying in bed, pretending to be asleep.. pensive, peaceful. sometimes i dream while i'm not quite asleep. last night i dreamed of a plane crash. my whole family was on it. my dad, brother, and my mom. she was alive and on the plane;. it crashed but we lived..
they see me pass daily and i don't do something to help them. how can I? what do they want? What do I want? Money? What would that do? Have they lost love? Have they never found love? If they found love would they know what to do with it? Would it be like handing someone blind and deaf a 12 string guitar and ask them to play you something? Would anyone? Would they want to talk? I have my acoustic guitar with me because I play guitar on 7 flushing bound train for change and money and food before and after I go to plumbing trade school.Would they want to hear a song? What can I do to help? What can I do to help myself?
I lay in bed, it's late or early, i'm not sure. the blinds are drawn tight and the room is dark. I haven't the slightest idea what time it is. I look over, my girlfriend is asleep. She is naked and beautiful. My bunny rabbit isn't making any noise so she must be resting. My guitar is standing upright and quiet, stoic.. It's dark but my eyes adjust quickly. Everything is in it's perfect, chaotic, disarray. Just the way I like it. Am I happy?
Am I happy?
I think so. I really do.
