I got into plan-it-x records and folk punk when i was around 16, 8 years ago, and it had a profound impact on me. it was so striped down, so raw, so filthy and my mind couldn't help but conjure these visions of james dean looking teenagers with stick and poke black flag tattoos and spiderweb elbows and ripped the fuck up jeans safety pins in em, knew all about japanese hardcore and which Au Bon Pain threw out the best bread at closing time and they hopped freights on the fry and the scars to show. went to portland and the LES and oregon... i saw the rails and i imagined autumn. i knew they left NYC before it got too cold, when the lines at the shelters were wrapped around the blocks, shivering dope fiends wrapped in reaper robes, hand shaking slightly as they smoke a cigarello, snot dropping down the curves on their angular, thin, dope fiend face from their red nose to their tight stretched chaped lips.. shivering, sniffeling, eyes just truly exhausted. but no, our heroes, our punks with bandanas around their necks and acoustic guitars were on the trains, watching the autumn trees fly by at freight train speed, trees all the colors you ever thought they'd be and then some! laughing because they are all friends and when old friends get together after not seeing each other for a little you do a lot of laughing at first don't you? i'm talking the REAL friends. the ones you can not see for a few years and when you run into them it's like no time has passed. strumming songs with hand rolled cigarette in their mouth, kerouacs dharma bums paperback rolled in leatherjacket pocket, friends passing around some cheap wine.
that's not how it is. for the most part they don't even look at the nature. the wonder. the county. america. as fucked up as the country is, you gotta admit parts of it are beautiful. they are laying with their heads in others laps, thinking about heroin, shooting heroin, methadone, suboxone, subutex, getting "straight" until they get to another town. others are late stage alcoholics. delirium tremors and all type old school training hustlin and bustlin wino only they are in their late twenties, strong greasy hair, wipers shirt, drink cheap vodka all day because that's what the older punks did when they were young, 14, sipping robotusin and passing one joint around between a group of 6 kids, everyone getting absurdly high and just watching.. wondering who you were and how you wanted to become.
punks are people and people are fucked up. but you find some good ones.
i have been posting on the plan-it-x for years now. since i first got into Rosa, Defiance, Ohio, Ghost Mice, Rio De La Meurte, Sexy (the best rock n roll band), future virgins, the bananas, and ESPECIALLY one reason! it was so exciting. i can only speculate because i only know my own life but i assume it must of been like when 80s hardcore broke and people heard bands like bad brains, crucifucks, die kreuzen.. just stripped of all excess and leaving only enough for the individual to survive. to purge so thoroughly and so ferociously that it's almost terrifying and frightening in it's honesty. voyeurism
once i heard it? it was a cataclysmic implosion.. every memory, dream, de ja vu, epiphany, god, hope collapsed in on me from my the songs coming out of the headphones and i realized i wasn't completely alone. (tumbleweed through a project hallway. the end is everywhere)
but i had mentioned that this wasn't a music blog. this was about discovering the depths of my mind and what it's trying to simultaneously hide and show me. I'm looking for subconscious messages. i'm looking deep. maybe my mom is trying to communicate with me. perhaps it's madness. perhaps i'm just getting tired and returning gradually to the earth. to the soil, to the branches, the sap blood and chipped bark. and nothing embodies insanity like love.
why i mentioned plan-it-x and the message board I'm a member of and have been for quite some time is because an individual mentioned that he was with a lovely young lady who makes him feel ever so happy and light and infinite and his love is the first and only real pure true love. however, he has only been with this woman for three months. is it possibly for the love to be pure? is their any validity to love at first sight? is love even real or do our brains remember being an infant and held and caressed and kissed and we want that and it's so cold at night when it's only you in your bed and you don't have drugs and your brain just thinks of the bad. and there's A LOT of bad (and good. yes i know that. i'm in a relatively outstanding mindframe and time of life now. I'm in school for plumbing and I've been off hard drugs for almost 3 years. A lot of this is recollections of years past that just won't die. because they were a truth once they are a truth now whether i want them to be or not..
i won't add his posts because that's not necessary and i don't think he wants me including his innermost thoughts and contemplations and life altering decisions so I'll just mention my insight into the situation that I posted. It is pertinent to why I created this blog and should offer more insight into myself than him when read from this perspective (the absence of his words) and that's entirely what i want..
POST #1
i agree with those who believe it's a little too soon. you are still typically in the honeymoon phase. you see the awesome in them. it's one of the greatest feelings in the world when you find someone amazing and you guys really enjoy being in each others presence... you feel like there's not enough moments in the day that you can see them and you are always kissing..hugging.. touching.. fucking.. all that great stuff.
then after a little bit you begin to notice tiny little things.. very small at first. sometimes they are so subtle you don't even notice them or if you do they are very easy to ignore or disregard because the person seems so amazing and you think the good immensely outweighs the negative.
then one day you wake up and all you can see is that thing that seemed so little and it's so obnoxious and gigantic and the only thing you can think of when you see them and it's almost catastrophically imploding like mountain goats song-esque disaster affairs.
soon you start fighting or if not fighting you realize they aren't perfect. no one is perfect. if you can make it past a few years, once you've seen all sides of them and they've seen all sides of you.. once you've had brutal fights and were brought to tears and insanity and madness and have suffered and still remain with them (you also have to make sure it's not a co-dependence thing once you get to this) and if you can still stand one another than yes, i believe it may be time..
life and love is a funny thing.
but i don't know. everyone is different. for me personally i don't think three months would be enough to understand the complexities of ones personality and be able to make the decision that i want to spend the rest of my life with them because I'm an honest person. when I'm in a relationship i take it very serious and am entirely monogamous.
do what you think is best.
and enjoy this beautiful phase in the beginning. maybe you're an exception and you found the most beautiful and purest form of love in it's raw essence. or maybe you're like almost everyone else and in a wonderful honeymoon phase. think it over. wait until after a few fights and you let your guard down and so they do and you learn who they are. and you learn who you are.
POST #2
the ring. the wedding. the ceremony. pomp and circumstance..
it's all symbolic. only you know if love exists. when it's just you two lying in bed and you have nothing to do for the rest of the day but laugh and fuck and dream. it's a beautiful thing. I've been there. it feels so right and if it existed for a moment then that mean it has to exist forever and no one can ever take it away. sometimes a few months or years down the line that's all you remember and it seems so far away. so many fights and bitter resentments in between but every now and then, for a fleeting second (but once again, a fleeting second existed so that means it exists forever) it feels like how it used to. in the beginning. and you think that you guys can fix it. and everything will be okay. I'm not sure. i really don't know.
I'm there with someone. yes, we fight. somethings quite bitterly and sadistically and we say very hurtful things to one another. but it doesn't mean for a second that we don't love one another. it's actually quite the contrary. i love her with every fiber that makes up this conniving, playing guitar on the train to fill up our bustello coffee cup with change and money for rent, giant heart of mine that is still strong somehow. on sundays when we stay in bed till 2:00 p.m. she puts her ear to my chest and listens to my heart and tells me it's so big. and it's so strong. and that i have to die before her because she says i'm stronger. she can't live without me. and she cries. and i cry. and i don't know and i wish that death was a joke but it's not but we really believe, no, we KNOW we will find one another as will anyone else if the love was pure. the heretics might be shackled but they are together..
the only way i can bring myself to get angry with someone is if i actually care for them. I'm the most laid back, easy going individual when it comes to strangers and acquaintances. everything's cool and nothings a big deal. I'm a lazy apathetic bastard. the 10 years of constant weed smoking and 130 milligrams of methadone a day plus some xanax will make an individual quite lucid.. it makes me feel like sunlight. i feel like i can slide anywhere i please and when i get there i wish i hadn't because it's quite scary.
i just want what i thought i didn't want. i want what my parents had. they were together since high school. they used to do what everyone does when they were young. my dad snuck outta the house because he had a basement window and he ate acid with my mom who once was young (even younger than i am now!!) and they ate acid and went to disney world and hitchhiked across america as soon as they finished high school to go to a willy nelson concert. they were people and they lived and hurt and my mom is gone now. passed away April 16th 2012 (i will never forget when you sat across from me mommy, a glass window between us when you were visiting me at nassau county jail (my 2nd time there. 3rd time it was only my father and my soon to be wife because mom passed) and we cried together and i told you my biggest fear was to be alone and she cried and said i'm always here (pointed to my heart) i'll never not be.) and i can see it in my dads face that a part of him was torn from him. it's physical. i see the emaciation. but it was love. and it was real. and he had it and i want it and i think i have it and when she was alive for a little bit i wasn't sure if i believed in love because they would fight and when i was younger i felt divorce was around the corner but they always wound up laughing at night. my dad would put his massive tattooed arm around my nagging jewish mother and she'd grudgingly smile and say how she loves her boys.. and look at me and my brother and then at my dad and he'd smile too. we were a fucked up family but we were a family.
my dad always made me come home to eat dinner with the family until i was 18 years old. every night they'd make dinner and we'd sit as a family and eat and talk. it was important to them and i believe now it was beautiful.
the only people who can conjure genuine emotion from within my body and mind is the love of my life and my family.
i hope you find happiness. but just think about this..
is it this person, ******, that you love or do you love the concept of love? how it feels. what it entails? that you are never alone. that you have someone to hold and someone to hold you. i was confused and in the beginning when i found random people on dating sites i would do these things and it felt right and i thought that was love. that was just the temporary abscene of loneliness which hurts so bad.. it's like a cancer. i felt it consume me with sharp fangs and talons from the inside out every moment. i felt as the immortal Prometheus, restrained forever to a rock only to have his insides ripped apart by a massive eagle, consumed.
i don't want to be alone. i want to be held and warm.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Love is quite frightening. I wanted to help him. I wish I had the answer.
Pablo Neruda speaks of love in his poems.
Absence
I have scarcely left youWhen you go in me, crystalline,
Or trembling,
Or uneasy, wounded by me
Or overwhelmed with love, as
when your eyes
Close upon the gift of life
That without cease I give you.
My love,
We have found each other
Thirsty and we have
Drunk up all the water and the
Blood,
We found each other
Hungry
And we bit each other
As fire bites,
Leaving wounds in us.
But wait for me,
Keep for me your sweetness.
I will give you too
A rose.
Everyone wishes to understand it. We feel it. It's that atomic expansion within when you see them after not seeing them for a few hours, days, maybe.. when you learn that the trick is to allow yourself to miss them.
remember what it is about THEM, the individual themselves, and not how you want them to be. if you say "well, i really love her a lot she'd be the most perfect person in the world if only ________ ).. i don't want perfect. they are who they are. even the shadows and the demons and the lies and deceptions. i'm a scumfuck myself. just don't go looking for love. it will come to you. i hope
no one deserves to be alone. this world is so big. and i'll end it by reiterating the name of my blog..
i am quite scared.
No comments:
Post a Comment